SHENANIGANS

KidFest 2012

2012-01-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

I could put a caption on each photo but I think they speak for themselves. It's a kidFest at our house every day. Guess what my great excuse for not blogging....my life is completely in sane. Not just "oh my life is crazy because I only get 30 minutes to myself a day" in sane, it is more like "I can't remember if I had time to pee today" crazy.
I realized today that I find it hard to really enjoy by kids as individuals when I am taking care of the babies together, it becomes mere survival, hoping I can juggle them safely. Kayla takes a back seat, and then the babies tag team. There is nothing greater than these two squishy, loveable, bods but it is taxing, there is no way around it.

Kayla is getting so grown up and is beginning to think outside the box. After using a public restroom today, she said "Hey mom, why does the water stay up in the toilet if there is a hole in the bottom?" I stopped and looked at her in amazement. "Kayla, what a GREAT question, when we get home we will investigate that and look up some information online about the structure of a toilet." Tonight, while she was praying she said "and thank you that we could learn about science, and thank you that we could have technology." I bit my lip trying not to laugh, this girl is classic.

Brody and McKay are great little guys. They have taken a 180 turn with sleeping though. They were sleeping perfectly through the night and around the same time I started working graveyard shifts, they started partying all night. They wake about every hour or so. I am at a loss so suggestions are welcomed! They melt my heart every day. I love when Sean is home and we have one each, it's nice to get one on one time.

I have had some questions about my boys' eyes. They are different colors which, for a long time convinced me that they are not identical and the Dr.s made some mistakes about there being only one placenta. Then I did some research and learned that identical twins can have different eye color. Weird huh? Hm, who would have thought....

As tough as it is having baby twins, this is a good life. I am so blessed. When I look at what I have, I sometimes cannot understand anything I could have done to deserve this.

Happy Holidays, Goodbye 2011

2011-12-29T20:05:00.000-07:00

(CLICK ON THE LINKED WORDS FOR A 2011 GLIMPSE OF WHAT IS BEING MENTIONED)

Ideally, for the year wrap up I would flood the blog with beautiful photos of my little munchkins and possibly even a family photo. But my current situation is such that I am unable to do so.
This year has brought more blessing than I could have ever imagined when 2011 started. When I wrapped up last year, I was barely starting the RN year and finishing with LPN. I had just found out I was pregnant and Kayla was hoping for a baby sister.
As the year progressed, the end of nursing school became practically visible. Right before Sean's birthday, we went in for a little ultrasound to see the baby. Lo and behold, there was not one but two. And life has never been the same.
Before I graduated, Sean started a new job in the interior design department of a well known furniture store. His coworkers and supervisors have nothing but great things to say about him. He loves to talk to people and can talk to anyone, a skill that does not go unnoticed.
We had our twins in August, Brody and McKay. They were healthy and born at 38 weeks. The first 3 months were a breeze. They were quiet and extremely relaxed. However, at about 4 months they figured out that whoever cried the loudest gets picked up first. Therefore, they compete and there can be quite a bit of crying in our house. Thank HEAVENS for my mother in law. She is an angel, and that's that. I never thought living with in-laws could be such a heaven send!
Kayla is as sassy and awesome as ever. She played soccer this year and enjoyed it, she has enough energy to run cars. She is still taking dance and is getting so much better. She loves ballet and totally rocked the last recital.
I got a RN job at a behavioral assessment facility for youth. I love the job because I really love kids that age (most people think I am crazy for it, but I really do love the kids I work with) I have been working all shifts but the graveyards kill me, I think they take years off my life.
So life is in sane but how blessed we are. Our family went from 3 to 5 this year which has been monumental. I feel badly there are thank you notes that I may never write and blog posts that may never make it to writing but we are happy. My family is beautiful in so many ways.
We look forward to 2012 with optimism and excitement. Kindergarten, more college, and twin adventures are all happily anticipated coming events.
Happy Holidays to all our friends and family out there. We love you!

In Every Sense of the Word: Delicious

2011-12-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

.....Enough Said.

Blogging World, do you remember me?

2011-12-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

Ideally, I would be posting some great photos of my 3 little munchkins but, alas, I am on a different computer and I have about 10 minutes before I have to leave for work.
The boys had their 4 month appointment a couple of weeks ago. They weighed in at about 13 and a half pounds each. They will be five months on the 3rd and we can't believe how fast they are growing. Laughter fills our house everyday. Gummy smiles and big round eyes are a great reward for the hard work we are putting in.
Twins are a blessing beyond measure but wow, as the cliche has it, we have our hands full!
McKay is our little snuggler. He loves nursing and would nurse all day if I let him. He is perfectly happy until you put him down, then: WATCH OUT! And boy, does he have a scream on him that will scare the pants off ya!
Brody is Mr. Independant. He loves to be on the floor looking at the tree and opposed snuggles. The minute you try and move in, he arches his back! But boy is he happy and smiley. They both laugh a lot and love to talk. Brody recently decided he does not want to nurse any more. For about a week, I would go to nurse him and he would scream. So now I am nursing McKay and pumping to feed Brody a bottle. It works and everyone is happy.
I promise to post a photo of the kids before Christmas (which is Sunday, I know!) I have some cute ones that are waiting to be loaded and edited.

This must be recorded!

2011-12-07T17:45:00.000-07:00

Thank you Brody, for providing the very best future blackmail possible.
Two mornings ago, as I rushed to get you bathed before work, you were laying there diaperless.
Suddenly I looked over and you were peeing right in your nose and mouth. You were choking and gasping for breath. I grabbed you and turned you to the side and comforted you.
But that was the day that you, my son, almost drowned in your own pee.

Realization

2011-11-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to say goodnight to Sean who was watching a military documentary online. As I walked up, I noticed that the desk was covered with a neatly set up design of dollhouse items. There was a baby in the crib, another in a bathtub, a puppy, and some random mermaids. I teased him and asked if he was having fun playing dollhouse. He smiled. We started to look at Kayla's organized items. Sean looked at me and said "do you think she'll always want to play with these toys?" I was surprised to suddenly have a large lump in my throat and feel tears well up in my eyes. We were both silent as we looked at the arrangement of items. Sean looked at me again and said "should we go look at her?" Then we went in to her room where she was sleeping. We tucked the blankets in around her. She looked so sweet and so little. I hate the thought of the inevitable; Our little girl growing out of this magical stage of imagination is painful to think about. I am just trying to relish the joy of her childhood. It will be gone before we know it.

Beanies and Thankful for an old Journal entry

2011-11-25T23:04:00.001-07:00

Look at these beanies!!! My sister in law, Lynn made these. Seriously, click on the link, she is amazing!

There are many things I am thankful for, it would take a whole lot more than the tiny window of time I have to write (McKay in one arm, Brody napping, Kayla playing at a friend's house a me fiercely typing a one-handed post!)

As I was looking through my journal the other day, I found a treasure.
September 19th, 2004: Today an amazing thing happened, too cool not to write about. Well, I went to church with Sean today. I had to leave after the first hour so he walked me out. We sat in the car and talked for a few minutes and then he went to walk back in. As I drove away he turned and waved with a smile. I don't know how or why but a really different feeling came over me. Not for any specific reason.
I think I love him. That sounds weird to say but I realized it as I drove away today. The feeling was cool, it came from a place in my heart that has never been opened before. (excuse the cheesiness, but it's what I wrote back then!)

Finding that entry was like finding a treasured time capsule. I married a great guy. That same one that turned and waved from the church parking lot.
And 7 years later, we have three beautiful children, we are dirt poor and we still dream. Working hard toward goals that sometimes seem unattainable, we will come out conquering.

I am Not a Baker But....

2011-11-20T21:42:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal:
Sean was all about a friend party for Kayla's birthday this year. Because I am thinking realistically, I was NOT all about a friend party this year. Sean's intentions were sweet and thinking of Kayla but really, it just can't happen every year. End of story.
So we decided to do a little family party. It was fabulous! The adults got to hang out and chat while Kayla and her cousins played.
And, I forgot to mention, I spent the WHOLE day Saturday making this princess cake and the ice cream cone cupcakes. That is in-between taking care of the babies too. I am not gonna lie, I am really proud of myself. When we cut the cake, I wanted to cry. I still do not consider myself a good baker. Cook, yes, I love to cook but baking.... I remain an amateur.

Christmas is coming soon but I am completely un-prepared. I want to do a service project for a family this year but I haven't had it together enough to get it going. Hopefully I can pull something together. It just doesn't seem like Christmas without helping people in need.

And guess what.... Drumroll..... I got a JOB!! My first RN job and I am really excited about it. I am working with youth which I absolutely love. I had my class time training day Friday and I start work tomorrow. It's hard to leave the munchkins but letting Sean go back to finish school is worth it. If we could get through training and to the start of school in January, we will make our schedules opposite so he will be with them while I work. And WOW we really couldn't do this without Sean's family. My mother in law and sister in law (even father in law when he is not working) are stepping in and helping like crazy. I will be forever indebted to them! You have to be really brave to take on my brood.

Brody N McKay

2011-11-17T09:04:00.001-07:00

The Cutest Babies Ever....

Brody: determined. When he is placed on his belly he rolls over quickly. He can't seem to just relax, always on the move. He hold his head up really tall during tummy time too. Falling asleep in your arms, well, highly unlikely. When I hold him in hopes of putting him to sleep, he is too busy looking around and trying to run away. Yet, he is sweet beyond belief. He spends a lot of time staring at my face as if it's the most amazing thing ever. When he smiles it melts my heart. His nick names include: Broadster, Bro Bro, Lil guy, Brodeman.

McKay: Relaxed. Falling asleep in your arms, a high

probability. During tummy time he holds his head up for a while and then snuggles his little head right on his hands and falls asleep. His smile is massive and takes up his whole face. He just melts right in to you when he snuggles. On his back he likes to run with his leg and he talks and talks. He would nurse all day if he could. His nicknames are: The Judge, McKayster, McKay Man, Mr. McKay.

2011-11-13T17:22:00.001-07:00

First and foremost, it's Kayla's birthday! I can't believe she is five years old. Doesn't seem like that long ago I walked in to the hospital, anticipating the moment we would meet. What a great girl I have.
There have been a number of instances that she has felt very special. Preschool: a mini personal cake, song, and all the kids drew her a picture. Cousins: showed up by surprise after church to sing happy birthday and give her some presents. Mommy and Daddy: Dad watched the boys while I took Kayla to Disney on Ice, absolutely magical. Church: sang her a song and she got a pencil and some candy. Oma and Opa: gave her some awesome presents. Mom: baked and decorated a cake till 1 AM last night. Aunt Diane: Gave her a special phone call for her birthday. Grandparents in California: gave her a special early present when they were here last month. Great grandparents in California: sent her a card with a dollar, she thinks she is the richest person on earth. There is nothing better than seeing Kayla feel special. Makes me so happy.

So now that I am a RN officially, I have been looking for a job. As the interviews have been successful and I am getting myself out there, the reality of going back to work begins to set in. I am really happy and thankful that I have the education and skills to support my family while Sean finishes school. There is a part of me however, that hurts at the thought of leaving my kiddos. They will be loved and well taken care of but I will miss them so much. No amount of optimism can mask that fact. My life has always been a little un-conventional.

The babies are looking more alike. I guess I finally believe the doctors, they are identical! I have learned that identical DNA does not mean identical babies.... they come with different personalities.

Fist pumpin'......

Look at that chin!

My Growing Family

2011-11-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

This is my family. I still can't believe it. For 4 and a half years it was just the three of us and in a sudden turn of events, we are a family of 5! I mean that takes up a whole car.
I come from a large family. I am the third in a family of nine children. Often there was a new baby in the house. I would race home from school every day so I could hold the baby. I would hold and hold the baby of the family. I loved to change their cloth diapers, read them stories, carry them around, feed them, and mother them. There was nothing I wanted more in life than to have a big family of my own. Looking at these photos just make me so happy. I pinch myself to see if it's real. 3 awesome kids. When I see them, I am reminded of how good God is to me.

Perseverance Paid Off

2011-11-03T22:06:00.000-06:00

It was June 2009 when I received the acceptance letter. Nursing school! At the time I was working full time as a court clerk and Kayla was only 2. Sean was in school full time. So we took a leap of faith. I quit my job and we lived on student loans. It was hard work. The first year was really tough and included a lot of studying and time. At the end of the LPN (first) year, I found out we were expecting. It was perfect. I would graduate and then a month later have a baby. No problem. Well, a few months later we found out we weren't expecting A baby, we were expecting TWO babies! This would put me at 37 weeks pregnant on graduation day. Did that make me nervous? Yes. Did I doubt I would finish? No. So I did my internship a little bit early but was in so much pain by the end of 12 hours I was in tears 80% of the time. But finished. By the time I was about 32 weeks I could hardly move. A sweet sweet woman who was one of my instructors proctored the rest of my tests at MY HOUSE! I know, she is an angel! At the end of July I finished all my nursing classes. But there were still a couple of computer classes that I needed to test out of. I called and received permission for a 6 week extension on them. When the babies were a month old, I spent a week going to school every day to take this series of tests. The last day I walked away from school feeling victorious. Finally, I had graduated.
It wasn't quite over at that point, however. I still had to take RN boards.
So Monday night I felt nervous because I had to leave at 7 AM the next morning to take the big test. And, of course, my perfect little sleepers happened to be up ALL NIGHT that night! After sleeping for a total of two hours, I headed down for the test. I felt like I was driving to prison.
And 48 hours later, here I am. I am a licensed RN.
The thing about me is, I don't give up. Ever.

And let it be on the record: Brody rolls over from his tummy to back. Has since Halloween. McKay is still working on it.

Here are a few Halloween photos:

So you like Sean's hair? He says that he is "Hair Farming." He did cut it yesterday. I guess it is harvest season!

Some Cuteness

2011-10-30T22:03:00.000-06:00

Kayla's Halloween parade. One day she will say "Mom, who dressed me in the fairy costume with the witch tights." My answer will be: "YOU did!!" And she sure looks cute.

When I went through these photos on the computer, I drooled over their cuteness. I mean, the three cutest little kiddos I have ever layed eyes on. And they are mine, I get to kiss them every day. I get to see their smiles, hear their laughter and get their snuggles. Life is definitely awesome.

And as I was putting the boys to bed tonight I layed Brody down swaddled next to his brother. They both looked up and me with satisfied grins. Their eyes were sparkling. I don't know how to describe it but they were sparkly. My heart melted a little. I love these little blessings. I love them from head to toe, from body to spirit, every last bit of them. They are absolutely scrumptious.

And here... the reality of the chaos. I promise I am not smashing Brody's face or slapping Kayla in the face. Kayla is imitating Brody's crying and I am pretending to soothe her by patting her cheek.

Sickness and Some John Lennon Wisdom

2011-10-29T15:33:00.001-06:00

I guess we have hit a milestone. The babies will be 3 months this week! And we are experiencing our first cold. I will tell you the only thing that's worse than a sick baby: 2 sick babies! Brody is not actually sick yet but I am sure by tonight he will be as stuffed up as his brother whom he shares everything with. I knew it would happen, just kind of inconvenient. Between Halloween parades, parties, a big test I have on Tuesday and job hunting, we just can't afford to be sick. Oh well. I graduated nursing school a week before giving birth to full term twins.... I can handle this.

Here is one of the best quotes I have ever seen in my life:

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."
-John Lennon

A Dress from Honduras

2011-10-22T18:37:00.000-06:00

Kayla's Oma and Opa went to Honduras last year and brought her back this little gem. I love her in this handmade dress. We went on 30 minute mommy daughter date to do this photo shoot.

Last night when I was singing a song to Kayla for bedtime I remembered something. I remembered her tiny little newborn state. I remembered her gummy smile and her baby giggles. I remembered lifting her above my head and doing baby talk to her like I do the twins now. Back then I could not have imagined her nearing her 5th birthday. I couldn't really fathom back them the little fire cracker she would turn out to be. Now I listen to her play with such a vibrant imagination. She is intelligent, thoughtful, loving and has a zest for life. As a parent, I couldn't ask for more.

And for your viewing enjoyment, photos of my adorable little munchkins. I love my kiddos.

Leg Warmers X 4

2011-10-19T17:45:00.000-06:00

Yeah, those are leg warmers for BOYS! I think it's the greatest invention since the light bulb really. I mean leg warmers that make it so I can see the shape of those eatable little legs? So awesome.

A lot of people ask me how everything is going with the twins. I answer that it's awesome. And they look at me suspiciously. But seriously, I am loving it. Sure, there are times when I am trying to nurse one baby and the other one is screaming while I try and bounce or rock him with my foot. But 90% of the time I am bombarded with happy smiles and cooing. They are learning about this strange world they have suddenly arrived in. I just love these guys, I love them so much. Having these guys gives me a little glimpse of heaven on a daily basis.

Ask me again when they are 2 though.... I might need to refer to this post often by then!!

Had a play group at the park today. It's the end of October and it's sunny and 60 degrees, I am loving it!
Kayla and I have been talking a lot about our environment and ways we can keep it clean. We decided we will go as a family with gloves and garbage bags and pick up litter one day this week. So at the park, she wanted to share with another adult the plan to pick up litter, only this is how it came out:

"Um, me and my mommy and Daddy and Bothers are gonna go garbage canning." She shot me a glance, not sure how it was supposed to come out.

I helped her explain the plan again so the other mom didn't think we were planning to go dumpster diving this week!

The last photo is Kayla borrowing my backpack (which is borrowed from my brother anyway) to take her show and tell to preschool. Look at the size of that thing! The greatest part about it: the show and tell item is a tiny mermaid small enough to fit in her pocket.

Today I am Not Convinced....

2011-10-17T14:56:00.000-06:00

...that they are identical. I know that my diagnosis of Mono/Di is supposed to seal the deal but look at them, they don't look alike! Different eyes, slightly different hair, and different mouths. Not that it really matters, I am just a very inquisitive person.
Bottom line is they are freaking adorable. Full stop.

Random Thoughts on a Sunday Evening

2011-10-16T23:14:00.000-06:00

One of my fears with the twins arriving was Kayla feeling like I love her less or she would be somehow left out. The interesting this is, I have found through this life changing event, I love her even more. It is so neat to see her bond with her brothers. The twins being here really makes me have a stronger desire to build my relationship with her. In short, adding babies to the mix does not short change the older sibling... at all!

I have decided to minimize my time on facebook and other social networking sites lately. Sometimes I feel like there is too much chatter and ongoing conversation constantly in my brain. It's been a couple of weeks and there is a big difference. I can focus on conversations with my husband a lot better and I feel like my mind has been through a cleansing. Amazing.

Last night the boys were up all night. Literally, all night. By the fourth time up with them I was in a state of delirium. As a second time parent, first time twin parent, I have learned a valuable lesson. Sometimes babies just do that. They cry, and they stay up all night. And the reality is: sometimes there is just no practical reason. There is no use trying to figure out what's "wrong" with them, or what I have done wrong as a parent. Nope, sometimes they just do that. Good thing is: they grow out of it. Sad thing is: they grow way too fast.

And the photo, this is just a reminder of no matter how tired I am from the all night baby parties, I am NOT lugging THAT around anymore. It's a good life.

Kayla

2011-10-15T16:19:00.000-06:00

Thursday was "Bb" day at preschool. The kids all wore black and learned about the color black and the letter B. When I got her ready for school, I asked Kayla if she wanted to do a photo shoot outside. She enthusiastically agreed. She chose every spot, every pose and she didn't want the photo shoot to end. In my opinion, she liked the rock star status!

This weekend has been great so far. Last night we had a camp fire. We roasted hotdogs and made smores. It was absolutely lovely. Today we decided to stay home instead of going out like we normally do. We cleaned, held babies, and talked. Sometimes it's nice to do that!

This is a conversation I had with Kayla the other day:
Kayla: Mom I don't want to do preschool anymore
Me: Oh really. Why is that?
Kayla: Because I want to do KID-A-GARDEN.

Too bad she has to wait till August but I love how she thinks it's pronounced!

And yesterday I heard Kayla getting frustrated over trying to get something apart.
Me: Kayla I can help you but could you please be less intense?
Kayla: (still super mad) But I go-be(gotta be) intense because I like to be intense. Uuuuuugh

She can be really intense. Most of the time I want her to just chill but sometimes I laugh because she is so intense. This was one of those moments.

Kayla loves show and tell.
For a whole week she thinks about what she will bring.
It's a big deal, I mean a really big deal!
I am glad she gets to do it every week.

We are talking about taking her to Disney on Ice.

I think she is really cool.

She thinks I'm cool too.

Lets hope that lasts...

Photobooth

2011-10-14T13:10:00.000-06:00

It's a program on the Mac that never gets old. Whenever I need a laugh, I grab Kayla and this is what we do. We were both laughing hysterically.

Blessing Day

2011-10-11T21:21:00.000-06:00

I thought that the photo above was funny because it paints a clear picture of a scene from my day: playing with Kayla on the floor with one hand, soothing and binking babies with the other hand and, of course, my trusty Diet Dr Pepper. Thank goodness for caffeine!

My side of the family in attendance.

Sean's side of the family in attendance (there were way more but they left before I was able to rally everyone for a photo)

The twins had their baby blessing on Sunday. It is sort of like a prayer that the father says asking for blessings specific to that child, sort of a welcome to the world. The blessings were absolutely beautiful. Each one was individual and so special. While listening to the blessings, I had a really strong feeling that our sons will do great things. I believe these tiny babies will make great men one day.

My parents took the 1000 mile drive home and I miss them like crazy. It was great to see them. I love them so much.

The twins are starting to coo and squeal when they smile. McKay is super sensitive. When he is getting his diaper changed he will randomly get super freaked out, yet he is so laid back in other ways. He loves to smile, and yes, he completely steals my heart every time. We call him "The Judge" because he always has a furrowed brow and looks deep in thought. Brody is super observant. He looks and looks at objects and stares at my face. He is a little more selective with his smiles but when he smiles, it's ADORABLE! They had their 2 month check up last week and they are 10 lbs 11 oz, and that goes for both! Yep, born a pound apart, they are now the same weight! They have nearly doubled their birth weight already. And today I switched out all the 0-3 month outfits for the 3-6 month outfits.... keep in mind Sean is a very tall guy. 10 weeks and already wearing size 6 mo!

As far as me, well I am settling in to my new life as a mom of 3. I don't even think the phrase "enjoying it" really does it justice, I am relishing in pure happiness. Even when the cries of the 4 AM feeding wakes me up, my heart is full when I hold those little babies in my arms in pure silence. I wish they stayed little longer, I love those little bobble heads!

24 Hours

2011-10-04T08:57:00.000-06:00

My Dad is in town from California for a week by himself. Therefore, we (siblings) have split custody of dad so everyone gets 24 hours to spend with him. The minute he rang my doorbell on Sunday afternoon, I knew that 24 hours would pass very quickly.
1. Went to the park and had a picnic with Kayla, the boys, Grandpa Ric, Sean and I
2. Took some photos
3. Made brownies with extra chocolate chips and M&Ms
4. Ate the brownies and talked with dad till 1:15 A.M.
5. Got up early and had brownies for breakfast. Kayla was in heaven.
6. Went on a walk/bike ride
7. Visited the Library. Grandpa Ric gained bonus points by sitting on the floor at the library, reading, and helping Kayla choose 10 books.
8. Went to "Mo Betta Steaks" and enjoyed lunch and a snow cone.
9. Came back home and talked for a few last moments.
10. Said goodbye. 24 hours here and gone.

My Dad is a great man. It is so heartwarming to see him with my kids. He carried Kayla in from the car when we got home from eating lunch. It reminded me of when I would fake sleep in the car so my dad would carry me in to the house. I loved being carried and snuggled. With 8 siblings sometimes faking sleep was merely survival of the fittest.
Having Dad by himself at my house was a unique opportunity. After 30 years knowing him, I felt that this visit I got to know him even more. The talks we had were fantastic. I was sad it had to end. My dad has been a great father to me. I am so grateful for him. The love I have for my family goes deep to the core of my being. I am a lucky lucky girl to have grown up in such a fun, happy, imperfect, and loving environment.

Gratitude

2011-10-01T21:27:00.000-06:00

While getting the little guys ready for bed tonight it hit me.
I had an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I wonder what I could have possibly done to deserve these two little angels in my life. Can I raise them to be great men? To treat others kind.
I will do my very best, I promise.
They have been smiling and cooing. However, each time I am trying to get one to smile, Kayla intervenes and sticks her face right in the baby's with a loud "Smile for sissy baby bro bro, smiiiiile for big sister."
I cannot believe how quickly these two months have passed. I want to take every smile, every snuggle, every coo and lock it up in a box to keep forever. I know I will forget the little moments which is tragic to me. My heart is so full of happiness. I attempt to express my appreciation for my three children in prayer and the words just don't seem to come. Yet, He knows my heart, and my heart is overflowing with gratitude.

Grandparents and Stuff

2011-09-30T09:52:00.000-06:00

Kayla and her great grandparents

Kicking back in the dunebuggy

Real smiles, Brody was not so generous for the photo

(below) my beautiful daughter

On Tuesday, my grandparents were in town. They are really special people to me. When I see them, a plethora of memories come to my mind: The chaos of the annual family reunion when Grandma and Grandpa host somewhere near fifty people, consisting of many small children. Night time at the reunion was a sea of sleeping bags with cousins sprawled from corner to corner of every room. The smell of Grandma's blackberry cobbler. Finding huckleberry bushes. Big swings that my grandpa loves to build, they would hang from the huge trees on his property, I always felt like I was flying. Watching The Goonies. Taking dune buggy rides. I loved the feeling of the wind across my face during the rides, I was secretly a little nervous and would close my eyes when we would cross a bridge or go fast on a narrow trail. There are so many memories attached to these two that I just love. But most important to me are their hugs. Every time I see them they give that same familiar hug, the kind I never have to doubt they love me.

Update on Twins and Kayla: Twins are SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!! They started sleeping 7-8 hours at a time at about 6 weeks.... thanking my lucky stars! Kayla is loving preschool and seems to be bursting with confidence. I could ask for nothing more.

These three kids of mine keep me busy. Even as I am typing this, I have three kids dripping off of me, therefore, this post is done....

Sunday

2011-09-26T00:09:00.000-06:00

The twins are almost 8 weeks and I took them to church today for the first time.
It was so fantastic to get back to church. I have missed it terribly.
I wore the babies in the Moby wrap (refer to previous post). Wow, I haven't had that much attention in my entire life. Everyone in the ward (as well as random people from the other wards in that building) doted over our little guys. Some people even took photos.
The rockstar status is pretty cool but the best part of going back to church is just that.... going back to church.
I had missed the feeling of peace I get when I am there.
I missed the strength I get from the great lessons and talks that are given.
I felt the love of Heavenly Father.
I never want to take my belief for granted, ever.

Feel Sorry? No.

2011-09-23T23:39:00.000-06:00

Today we went on a long drive and visited some outlet stores to get Kayla some clothes for the cooler weather. I sat on a bench with the babies in a Moby wrap (as pictured above) while Sean played with Kayla on the playground. A woman who was there with her grandchildren turned to me with a look of pity and said "Oh, I feel sorry for you!" I smiled and said "Why do you feel sorry for me?" She replied "You have Twins!" I laughed and said "Oh you should not feel sorry for me at all. Look at them. They are a blessing from heaven. You should not feel sorry for me, you should envy me." The woman was not sure how to respond but we continued to chat.
Seriously, twins are a lot of work, make no mistake about that. But make no mistake that there is no sympathy speech needed. I have never been happier and felt so blessed in my life.
I love each of my three children. I have never known sleep deprivation as I now know it. I have never known struggling to make it anywhere on time. I have never known a need for caffeine as I now know it.
Each are such individual little beings sent to me from Heaven. How could I be so fortunate to know them and have this opportunity to raise them? So lucky, in so many ways am I.

Here are some really great Kayla Vocabulary words lately:
Mine's: Mommy, Mine's is locked, mine's door is locked.
Feeled: I feeled the pan and it wasn't hot.
Eated: I eated all of it.

I just don't have the heart to correct her, it's so cute. She is such a confident little thing!

Oh AND my degree is finally posted. I have to take boards in a few weeks and I will be a RN!! So excited:)

Tandem Nursing

2011-09-19T23:07:00.000-06:00

(Thanks for the photo Sarah Smylie)

I went back and forth. Should I post this photo or not? I mean it is still my body... but then again... not really... I belong mostly to these two parasites that suck every last ounce of nutrition from my body.

Nursing twins. I read about it, thought about it, knew I wanted to do it, and set my mind to the task. At first, it was so time consuming. For the first 4 weeks it took a whole hour for one feeding and after purping, changing and cuddling, it would be time to feed again. Then I began to tandem feed and my life changed forever. They finish eating in about 15 minutes and I have a few hours before they need to eat again! Feeding the twins has become one of the most enjoyable things about the day. I have a small couch in our room where I sneak off to every few hours to nourish my little guys. When Sean is home, he takes Kayla out of the room to entertain her and I can feed them in paradisaical silence. Only them and me. I can look in to those beautiful searching eyes and soak in the moment.

My best advise to moms who want to nurse their twins:
First and foremost, do not feel guilty if it doesn't work out. Just love and snuggle your babies and enjoy feeding time either way.
Secondly, if you want to breastfeed your twins, it is possible. Stick with it. It gets better.
Third, try not to over-think it. It's sorta like nursing one baby, only you make twice as much and feed twice as many babies:)

Tidbits

2011-09-18T11:13:00.001-06:00

Airforce Museum Outing:

Last weekend we went to the Airforce Museum. That place is amazing. We too quickly forget of the bravery that so many men and women have shown in the name of freedom. I read as many stories as I possibly could while we were in there and I was in awe and reverenced by the heroism. You must visit that place if you haven't... The outing went fairly well until the four year old meltdown started. That always complicates things.

A Friday Morning Snuggle:


Kayla if officially the best big sister on earth. She loves her brothers. She wants to hold them every second, she comes in my room every morning wanting to wake up the babies so they can "play." During our last kid snuggle session, Kayla was doing baby talk to McKay. He rewarded her with the biggest, gummiest smile I had seen. Even bigger than he has given his mommy. I think the boys love their big sister too. The following photo makes me laugh. McKay is looking awfully concerned about his situation.... like maybe he wants me to intervene.

Utah State Fair:
Yeah, we went to the Utah State Fair yesterday. All of us.
It was brave to say the least and I resisted but finally I said I would go.
There was a particular reason I am happy I went. While walking through the pig barn, we came upon a mother sow and her newborn piglets. About half the piglets were nursing and the other half were laying nestled in to the mother's body. We humans think we are so smart don't we? Recently there has been research that shows skin to skin contact and baby wearing are beneficial to a newborn's development. Hospitals are promoting skin to skin, articles are being published, and skin to skin is getting a lot of attention in our "sophisticated" society. But yesterday I witnessed among the hay of that barn, the core of instinct. These "unintelligent" animals with no research skills, no hospital promoting, and no reading of articles, were practicing skin to skin. It makes me wonder why we don't trust our instincts more fully. We use our head, worry worry, and over-think everything. If we are to just take a deep breath and look at the perfect example of these tiny piglets and their mother, we would have all the answers. It would serve society well to trust our instincts more often.

Faces

2011-09-08T22:01:00.000-06:00

Kayla: I am the big sister... la la la

McKay: Um... did you see what mom just dressed us in? Dino's are so 2010!

Brody: Act natural McKay, you look guilty!
McKay: No, I am just being stealth.....

McKay: See if I turn up my mouth like this, mom doesn't suspect a thing. She thinks I am smiling!
Brody: Haha, you got her McKay. I will just keep this super cute little baby look on my face.

Brody: Okay, I think I am gonna be sick.
McKay: That is very interesting brother, I will ponder on that comment for a bit.

Brody: Oh man, my belly hurts. What did mom eat today??
McKay: Hm, I didn't notice a thing.

Brody: Oooohhh no! I think I am gonna toot.
McKay: Just let it out. You are okay, just let it out.

McKay: I guess she did eat something weird, I think I may be throwing up but I am not sure.
Brody: You are nasty McKay, couldn't you have thrown up on Mom instead!

McKay: Oh my gosh, did you hear the tenth anniversary of 9-11 is on Sunday?
Brody: 9-11? What's that?

McKay: Well, um. Something happened that we will learn about when we are bigger.
Brody: Oh. Okay.

McKay: But I think what happened was sad.
Brody: It's okay brother, here, I will give you a kiss.

Preschool from Her Point of View...

2011-09-06T22:19:00.000-06:00

I lack a photo. And I apologize for that, but I am sure you understand.
Today, Kayla started preschool. We had an orientation and a mini class with the parents too. The kids decorated a name tag, frosted cookies to share with the parent they brought, and had a little puppet show. We saw the schedule which included the usual school activities: letters, colors, shapes, ect...
While walking out with Kayla's hand in mine I said, enthusiastically: "Kayla, what do you think of preschool?" Came the happy reply "Mom, preschool is just GREAT. There are so many friends there. I love it!" I squoze her hand a little tighter, smiled at her, and we buckled in.

Oma

2011-09-03T12:24:00.000-06:00

I think my mother in law has been so excited about these twins that many people were not sure if she was the one having them. Not really, but Oma has been so excited about these twins since the day we found out there were two. In fact, she was very excited about Kayla, and extremely excited about the news we were expecting again. But we have officially unleashed the peak of excitement, joy and enthusiasm when she found out she was having twin grandsons.
She has been a huge help in our lives as students and parents. She loves Kayla, absolutely loves her. And she loves these boys. She has spent many hours caring for Kayla while Sean and I were at school and work. And above all, she loves these kids so much. The one thing I would want for my kids are grandparents that love them and all 4 grandparents have surpassed all expectations.

Goodbye August...

2011-08-31T14:45:00.000-06:00

What a month.
When this month begun, I was having anxiety about being sliced open. Here and gone.
Now the wee babes are four weeks old.
This month has been full of 4 year old tantrums, sleepless nights, lots of baby love, kisses, snuggles, poop, pee, and happiness.
So as we start the month of September, there is so much to look forward to.
Now starts the second month of being a "twin mom". Here goes nothin'

Twin Infant Confessions

2011-08-28T14:16:00.002-06:00

My mom just left after spending a glorious 3 weeks here with me.

Kayla has turned out to be a fabulous helpful big sister.

The night before last I experienced a state of delirium I have never before reached. After falling asleep at about 1:15 AM, I was awaken by the cries of two infants coming from the crib. I drug my body out of bed and picked up a baby. When I sat down, my head fell against the back of the chair and I fell asleep. When I woke up, the baby (still not sure who it was) was asleep on my lap. I woke up Sean and asked him to put the baby back and hand me the next one. "Is he fed?" Sean asked. I looked at him with my zombie face and replied "I have no idea." I really had no recollection as to whether or not I fed him. The rest of the night played out the same way. I would feed them for 5 minutes and then think they ate for 20 minutes. So out of it. And then I wondered why they were awake all night crying every 15 minutes. The poor little ravenous babies.

Here are a few things I have learned the past 3 and a half weeks as a mom to twin infants:
1. Feed, change, burp, repeat, and then take care of my preschooler's needs in between. That is my day.
2. There is no way I can hold each baby as much as I held Kayla. And I have come to terms with that.
3. Many times I have to choose between eating and showering... most of the time I choose a shower.
4. It's official, not all my kids will sleep like Kayla slept as a newborn. Dangit.
5. Identical twins does NOT mean identical spirits. These boys are already very unique.
6. Binkies are my new best friend.
7. Boys pee a lot. And they can aim.
8. Not to underestimate the importance of my relationship with my husband.
9. I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. There is enough to think about with twins, the rest just let it go and take a deep breath.
10. Last of all, I have learned that I do indeed have it in me to adore three children completely equally. And I do.

Extra Skin

2011-08-19T22:17:00.000-06:00

WARNING: if you have extra tummy skin from having a baby (or two), you may cry while reading this.

"A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me.

It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it's ugly. That's OK. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it."

-Author unknown

Life Has Changed

2011-08-16T20:49:00.000-06:00

(Thank you to my sister, Sarah for coming over to do photos today! Love you)

In the last 2 weeks my life has changed dramatically. I used to be consumed with being a mom to one, a nursing student, frequent doctor's appointments, and trying to stand up for 5 minute intervals. Suddenly, everything changed. My life is now consumed with an abundance of baby love, tons of poopy diapers, breastfeeding twins, calming the raging storms of my 4 year old's emotions, and thoroughly enjoying the light feeling of not being pregnant with twins.
So many people told me it would be crazy. And it is.
I was warned about sleepless nights. Indeed they are.
I have heard I will have my hands full. Yep, one baby for each hand plus a 4 year old. My hands are full.
But I was not warned about the overwhelming amount of love my heart is capable of.
A long with the gift of these little angels, came the power to love beyond anything I could have imagined. I am holding on tightly to these moments. I love their little souls. Their cries, their bodies, their personalities. My heart is full of gratitude.
I may not get a shower everyday and I can't remember if I had time to brush my teeth today.
I do know one thing, however, I got to snuggle two beautiful newborns all day.

Announcing the Arrival of our Twins

2011-08-09T15:04:00.002-06:00

Click HERE to see the birth photography. The photos are breathtaking.
Photography by Sarah Smylie, www.mymatilda.com.

It was a cool morning when I entered the hospital for my Csection. So many emotions and feelings went through my head. Major surgery, beautiful babies, possible complications. Yet I felt brave inside. I knew I was having my precious boys. Sean and I waited in the pre-op room while I was given an IV and prepped for the OR. 9:30 was approaching quickly. Because I had to have a Csection, I envisioned the birth very different from Kayla's. I thought there would be a lack of bonding, it would be far from "beautiful", I would lack the emotion and feeling I did with Kayla.
By the time I had the spinal epidural in place and on the operating table part of my anxiety had subsided. My doctor was there and she has an amazing way of making me feel reassured.
After a major drop in my blood pressure was recovered, they began the procedure. I lay still while I can feel pulling and pressure but no accompanying pain. The anesthesiologist talked to us about Yosemite, I could hear the click of Sarah's camera and Sean sat nervously trying to peek over the drape at the action. After a little while, I heard the Doctor's voice "Hannah, you are about to have Brody in just a minute. My mind left Yosemite and came back to the reality of the situation. "Just let me hear him scream" I prayed silently. A strong pull and then I heard it. That beautiful sound. He was screaming at the top of his little lungs. I felt the Doctor place him on top of me but behind the drape where she cleaned him off. Tears streamed down my face. I could feel him, I could hear him and I waited anxiously to see him. I saw my Doctor look over at the drape and look at me. She said "He is beautiful Hannah, and he is perfect." I continued to cry and smile. Sean and I looked at eachother with tears in our eyes. Just like we had when Kayla was born. "Okay, Hannah are you ready?" I heard the Doctor ask. And there he was. Pink, screaming and perfect. His tiny face almost seemed familiar. And that's when we met, Brody, Mom and Dad. We stared in disbelief, unable to do much else than cry and smile. He was taken to the next room to be assessed by the nurses. 2 minutes later, more screaming, just like Brody. This time I cried again but also breathed a huge sigh of relief. They were both here. Safe, screaming, big and healthy. McKay was cleaned on top of me where I could hear him screaming wildly. Suddenly there he was, being held up for Sean and I to see. We cried more tears of happiness. The boys were taken to the next room where they were assessed. Within a short amount of time they were brought back in to where I was being put back together. I got to kiss them, smell them and feel their little faces against mine. I saw Sean holding one twin in his arms looking happy and tearful. He had a look of disbelief in his eyes.
This unattached medical procedure I had planned for turned out to be the one of the two most beautiful experiences of our lives. Just like Kayla, it is our birth story of how we welcomed our two little angels in to this world. It is permanently planted in my brain forever.
The babies were wheeled in to meet me in recovery and never have seen the inside of the NICU.

Brody Mac born at 10:21 AM weighing in at 5 lbs 14 oz 19.5 inches long
McKay Sean born at 10:23 AM weighing in at 6 lbs 14 oz 19.5 inches long

It has been 6 days since that experience and it has taken me all six days to write this one post. My life is filled with nursing two babies, changing lots of diapers, trying to give love to my 4 year old and an attempt at sleep. My mom is here to help for a few more weeks and my mother in law is very helpful too, thank heavens. I am so in love with these two boys. When I look at them together in their crib my heart is filled with gratitude. I feel so undeserving of this gift.

The Final Hours...

2011-08-02T20:36:00.001-06:00

As promised. Thanks mom, for taking this photo.

The time is getting even closer, 12 hours away to be exact! Here is the final belly photo. 37 and a half weeks.
Happy birthday tomorrow little twinsies! The feeling is surreal. I really cannot believe I will be laying on an operating table in 12 hours, scared out of my mind, squeezing Sean's hand tight and waiting for that noise.... the noise that every mother holds her breath to hear.... those sweet high pitched cries. Even though my heart hurts to think I won't have them placed up on my chest because it's a surgical procedure, I still cannot wait to look in to those sweet longing eyes, to feel those tiny fingers wrap around mine, to watch my husband take his two newborn sons in to his arms and gaze at them. I anticipate chaos but I anticipate beauty and love beyond comprehension.

Stay tuned... I am bringing my laptop to the hospital and I will be blogging photos of these sweet boys while I am in the joint.

Nesting is Done, Thanks to Miriam

2011-07-31T09:54:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I am posting this photo..

I got a phone call on Friday from my sister Miriam. She asked if she could come up on Saturday and help me get things organized before the babies come. I accepted the much needed help.
In my mind I thought it would be great to have help folding some loads of laundry, maybe some vacuuming and light organization. But my word, that girl literally worked from about 9:30 AM to 6:30 PM. We went from room to room she cleaned, organized, scrubbed, and we had a great time too.
I tried to express to her how much it actually meant to me, but it's really hard to explain. I have a natural hormonal need to "nest" for the babies. There were so many things I wanted to get done but I can't stand on my feet for longer than about 10 minutes, that makes it really hard to get a lot done!
My core needs have been met and I am one happy woman. Thank you a million times Miriam, really.

Oh and.... I have to hand it to Sean who watched Miriam's 10 month old and Kayla in the back yard for a large portion of the day. Good practice for the coming days and he is just a good dad and great guy!

After the day of working, Sean took me out for our final date night before the big evacuation day. It was probably the best date night we have had in a long time. We ate dinner, opted out of a movie, took a drive and just talked and laughed about our dreams and ambitions. Just love those special moments with him.

37 weeks tomorrow and babies will be here Wednesday morning!!

Thankful

2011-07-27T22:19:00.000-06:00

Soon I will be closing my day with a prayer of thanks and the attempt to get comfortable.
This is a day of significance. I have graduated nursing school. Tests, clinicals, papers, and so forth. It's done. All done.
I am also fast approaching that day I had mentioned a while ago. August 3rd. That is one week from today.
For the last two and a half days I have had contractions about 2-5 minutes apart. Hard ones. You know, the kind that you have when you are in labor. Yet no babies still. Who knows, maybe I will have regular contractions right up until next Wednesday but, then again, maybe I will have these babies sooner.
Current state of being: happy, relieved, nervous, hopeful, and excited. Oh and I have a whole cage of butterflies in my stomach!

Let it be recorded: 36 weeks and 3 days. And yes, there will be a final belly photo posted before they come. Unless they come tonight....hope not, yikes!

A Good Example to Me

2011-07-26T19:51:00.000-06:00

Saturday we went swimming with a friend and her daughter who is just a little older than Kayla. Kids seem to be innately nurturing in so many ways. The two had a great time helping each other discover the great things about the playground at the pool. They sat next to each other when we got ice-cream. They would randomly hug and smile at each other. The two of them seemed genuinely concerned for the others' feelings and well being.
I believe there is a lot to learn from these two. If we could all be the kind of friend in adulthood that these two are, the world would be a better place. We would not judge each other for how we dress, silly things we say, or what we look like. Makeup would mean very little to us and we would spend most of our friendship in smiles and laughter.
Inspires me to be a better friend and become more like my four year old.

A Window

2011-07-24T22:41:00.000-06:00

I saw a commercial yesterday that made me cry. I know, how pathetic.
It was a Subaru commercial. A father was talking to his 5 year old daughter while she sat in the driver's seat ready to drive away. She had the keys and was buckled in. The father told his daughter the rundown, be careful, don't speed, ect. It panned back to the daughter who was suddenly 16 years old as she said "okay daddy, I love you."

I thought about Kayla.
It has been said that the eyes are the window to the soul. When I look in to her eyes I see so much. I see life, future, and success. But I always see my little girl and that will never change.
A few years from now, when we hesitantly hand her the car keys I will still see that bright little four year old, continually asking questions about life and the way things work.

Becoming a parent has truly taught me what it means to love unconditionally. Her inner beauty astounds me. Her inquisitiveness keeps me thinking. Her hugs and kisses give me strength to get through anything, literally. My first born, and always my first born. A love beyond words.

A Little Nervous...

2011-07-21T14:55:00.000-06:00

Leaving the doctor's office today was a little different.

I have had all sorts of confidence that the babies would eventually be in the right position for a normal delivery. Yet each appointment the babies would be in all sorts of funky position.
Today I am 35 and a half weeks and Baby A is breech, Baby B is transverse. Because the babies are already 6 lbs each, the specialist said the odds of them flipping this late is very slim.

So I went ahead and scheduled the C-section. August 3rd is the date.
If I go in and my some miracle baby A is in the head down position, they will induce instead. I have held out hope for a really long time. But it looks like I will be having my very first surgery ever.

I am nervous about it to say the least but I am more than grateful for the option. If I get my baby boys here safely that is the thing that really matters the most!

Hours a Day

2011-07-17T15:54:00.000-06:00

Every morning, Kayla comes in to my room, already changed in to her swimsuit. When I tell her it's only 65 degrees outside and that breakfast should be a priority over going out to the pool, she becomes slightly disgruntled.

She spends hours out there every day. She squeals, splashes, swims around and jumps from the small trampoline in to the pool.

4 and a half years old and she is still the cutest kid around. Can't wait until she has two rowdy twin brothers to play with.

Kayla's Back

2011-07-15T09:57:00.000-06:00

As mentioned in the previous post, my sister took Kayla overnight to play with her cousins and give mommy a break. Sean picked her up after class late last night so she was asleep by the time she got home.

This morning, I was in a deep sleep when suddenly I was attacked with a huge hug around my head. Kayla was excited to see me. She went on and on about her adventures the last two days. I think my favorite is one told so beautifully by my sister, here is that story! Hilarious.

I hope she always wants to share her experiences in life with me. I fear the teenage years in some ways. I just hope she always talks to me. I hope she always knows I will listen and care. I want this open line of communication to remain. I want to know her fears, passions, likes, dislikes, dreams and ambitions. I want to know everything. Keep those little lips talking Kayla. I am here to listen.

I Know I Just Posted One But....

2011-07-13T12:02:00.000-06:00

....this one really does the size justice REALLY. I mean, THAT is a twin belly photo!

My sister, Sarah just recently returned from vacation in FL (I know, poor thing huh?)
Well, the day she returned she called me up and offered to take Kayla overnight. Wow, what a sister. She came up this morning to pick her up and stayed long enough to take some photos. I think she may have captured the reality of the size of my growing torpedo. And, as much as I resisted the lack of clothing covering my belly, I love the photo. I mean, really love it.

Kayla sat in the car next to her cousins, smiling happily. I am thinking she will only have a few brief moments where she may miss me a little, but maybe not. It will be lovely to have a break for 2 days but I will miss her tight hugs and big kisses.

School is almost done for me and graduation is coming! There are only a few assignments, a test, and 2 finals left before I can take that big sigh of relief. So my dear little twins, please stay in there long enough for me to finish and then, by all means, make your entrance in to this world so maybe I can walk again.

Whoa Mamma!

2011-07-11T23:25:00.000-06:00

Holy mamma that is a lot of belly!
My mother in law looked at it today and said "I need to take a photo, I think the babies may have grown last night."
I am so glad she did because it wasn't until I looked at the photos that I believe they did grow overnight.
As the time continues to wind down, my body feels as though it may be falling apart... completely.

I just spent quite a bit of time writing out a rather whiney post and it annoyed me completely so I have deleted it and decided to stay positive.

34 weeks today.
Sean and his dad set up the crib last night which the twins will share for a while. It made me really happy. I woke up this morning and just stared at it. I imagined laying two little infants in that crib. I imagined them crying, picking them up, changing them, nursing them, and I realized my life is going to be quite chaotic.
We went through the baby clothes and sorted them in to sizes. I folded each blanket perfectly and put them in a neat little pile in the crib, all the while thinking about swaddling those boys tight like I did Kayla.
I picked a bag to pack for the hospital and put a few things in it. While doing so I thought a lot about what my fate would be at the hospital. Would I be recovering from a major surgery or will the babies be in the right position for delivery?
So many things to think about and the clock is bringing this pregnancy to an end. In only 3 weeks these babies will be ready to make their entry in to this beautiful world of ours. I absolutely cannot wait to look in to their eyes and smother them with mommy kisses. I am so excited to put them in their little carseats and bring them home. I happily anticipate seeing our little family of three become a family of five.
What a task, but my, what an adventure!

When Asked the Question....

2011-07-08T22:45:00.000-06:00

So I know my husband Sean can be a little quiet in some situations but he is really funny.
I have been warned that you get stopped by a lot of strangers in public when you have twins.

He told me today he came up with the perfect answer to the question "Are they twins?"

"It's so weird, my wife had one and my mistress had one the same day and they came out looking the same. The Doctors think they might be identical!"

He is so random...

Dissect: Methodically cut up in order to study its internal parts.

2011-07-04T12:32:00.000-06:00

Today while blowing bubbles on the back porch:

Me: Kayla, do you know what makes the bubbles go in a certain direction?
Kayla: Yeah mom, the wind.
Me: You are very smart, that's right!
Kayla: Yeah and the clouds dissect the wind.
Me: Oh. (Suddenly suffering from a loss of words)

I mean dissect? Where did she even hear that word?

I love the way her little mind works. She thirsts for knowledge and loves to learn. She enriches my life with a continuous opportunity to teach, learn and grow. Just one of the many reasons why I love being a mom to a beautiful, bright and happy four year old.

Racing Day

2011-07-02T09:55:00.000-06:00

This morning I went in to Kayla's room at 6:30 to wake her up. She was sound asleep.

"Kayla...." "Kaaayla..." No response.

"Kayla, it's RACING day!"

Quickly she popped her head up, opened her eyes wide and wore a huge smile on her face.

She asked if she could sleep tomorrow morning because she was tired.

Of course I said yes!

I went to see the doctor yesterday and she said it was fine for me to go as long as I spent most of the time sitting down.

Kayla raced her little heart out. She got a ribbon and a toothbrush at the end in which, as you can see, she is very proud of.

Kayla even ran the race again so I could get some photos because I couldn't even see her during the real race, she was hidden in the mob.

Her dad ran it with her but lost her, she was all about getting ahead of the pack and Sean didn't want to hurt the other kids by trying to stay with her. But the photos of her and daddy just make my heart happy. I think I picked a great guy:)

Growing as I say goodbye to June....

2011-06-30T17:44:00.001-06:00

I really debated about this photo... I mean look at my hair, seriously. Oh well, I am sure you all understand. Let it be documented: 32 weeks and 4 days pregnant with twins.

It's been a week since I was placed on bedrest and the babies are doing great. I, on the other hand would describe bedrest as something very similar to incarceration. I seriously don't know how there are people who have to do this for months and months (I want to cry for you!)
My instructors at school are amazing. They are bringing the tests and quizzes to my house and just stay while I take them. I feel very undeserving of being in a nursing program with instructors and administration that are so supportive and all about me finishing!

As I looked at the calendar today, I realized that we are saying goodbye to June. With the end of June and the beginning of July at hand, it comes with a lot of different feelings for me. There is a really good possibility I could be welcoming two boys in to our family during July. When I first found out I was having twins, July seemed like a long way off. Time has flown and now it's here. At the very most, I have about 5 weeks left. It seems so strange and so close, yet I still worry that they will come too soon.
With all the wonderful advice and support I have felt from other twin moms, I still have a very strong feeling that I have no idea what I am about to face. I can't imagine the level of sleep deprivation. I can't imagine what it will be like to breastfeed two. I can't fathom packing two infant car seats. I can't imagine how many diapers we will go through every day.
But what really gets me wondering, it how can my heart even handle the love that I will have for these little guys. I think about all three of my children together and my heart melts already. I can't wait.

Moment of Truth

2011-06-26T11:03:00.000-06:00

So I guess I should actually put this in writing and admit that I am not a superhero (which I am sure you are all aware of)
About a week and a half ago, I went to the OB at 30 weeks and I was looking like my body was holding these little guys in well. I had no dilation, no contractions, cervix was long, everything was good.
So I spent that week doing a LOT. I was convinced I didn't need to take it easy because my body was the ironman of twin pregnancy.
Well then I had an appointment again on Friday (a week after the previous one.) During the routine non stress test, they were picking up contractions. When the OB checked, I was 1 cm dilated. I was then sent to the dreaded Labor and Delivery to be monitored. I envisioned myself a lot of places at 32 weeks pregnant with twins and Labor and Delivery was NOT one of them!
I had to be monitored for an hour and everything ended up looking good. Babies were happy on that monitor! And contractions went away on their own.
Because of the dilation, I was put on modified bedrest. "Bedrest": the one thing I was confident I would avoid. I am allowed to eat, use the bathroom and shower. Other than that, I am supposed to be laying down.
Even though this was on Friday, I have had a hard time admitting this to myself or anyone else.
I think the bedrest is precautionary and I really feel like we can still cook these little muffins for 5 or 6 more weeks.
So there it is, I said it, it's out in the open. I am on bedrest. I am not superwoman. I am not going to be able to prove wrong those that assumed I would be put on bedrest. And I am joining the ranks of the thousands of women who give birth to multiples and spent the last part of pregnancy resting.
My hats off to each of them.

Entertainment at it's best.

2011-06-23T14:25:00.000-06:00

Why do I have Kayla in dance?

Well, there are a few reasons. It's a structured learning environment.

She learns great motor skills.

She learns to listen to a teacher. She loves the other girls in the class.

But okay, here is the real truth: twice per year, I get to watch her walk out on to a stage with her little curled hair bouncing. And then this. The above video is the REAL reason why I have her in dance. It's worth every bit of effort just to see her at the dance recital.

She has stolen our hearts. Forever.

30 Week Photos (all self-takes)

2011-06-14T21:08:00.000-06:00

(Thanks to the timer setting on my D90. I will tell you, THAT was exhausting!)

I never thought 30 would be a very significant number. It was never my favorite number, I never had a highschool crush on a #30 football player, and turning 30 this year didn't really bother me.
Now, 30 is quite a significant number. Because yesterday, I turned 30 weeks pregnant with my twin boys.
As soon as the relief came, knowing that they would most likely be okay if they were born now, the questions and anxiety about delivery came.
Will twin A go head down or will I have to have a C-section?
Can I really handle two infants?
Will Kayla know I still love her?
How will I learn to nurse two babies at the same time?
Will Sean stay sane? Will I?
Will everything go okay during delivery?
Will these babies arrive alive and healthy?

It seems like it would be so easy just to let go of this anxiety but I do believe it just comes with carrying twins. I strive to stay positive every day, to leave it in God's hands. So far, leaving it in His hands has proven to be effective. He has taken very good care of these babies.

Sick Day

2011-06-07T16:48:00.001-06:00

(I took these photos about a week ago, before she was feeling sick)

Beautiful. But also crazy like her mommy and aunts. This one reminds me of my oldest sister, Rachel.

Today was a little different. Kayla hardly ever gets sick. And Today she was sick.
I was supposed to attend school all day but stayed home with my little fever-ridden four year old. She had no appetite, she didn't have a lot of energy and she drank a lot of juice.
My day was full of snuggles. A lot of "Mommy I just loooove you." And way too much TV. This allowed me to take a nice chunk out of my school work, between the snuggles and infrequent requests.

As I have stated in the past, I love this little girl. I can't imagine our lives without her smile and love. She is beautiful and sweet, yet stubborn and determined. I have a feeling she will become whatever she wants to become. This wild little spirited girl will surprise us all.

Happiness is....

2011-05-27T18:58:00.000-06:00

Coming home after 13 hours of nursing clinicals to find this.... the best Daddy in the world snuggled up to the most precious little girl ever to live.
Both sound asleep.
It doesn't get much better than that really.
These two people are what motivates live life to it's fullest.
Must have been a hard week of work for dad and a hard week of play for Kayla.

(I took this with Sean's phone... so sorry to disappoint, the D90 was just too far away:)

27 Weeks and Daydreaming about our Twins

2011-05-23T10:05:00.001-06:00

(Thank you to my sister, Sarah, for the photo)

Puffy face and all, it's me in all my maternal beauty.

I have to be honest, I have wanted another baby for a long time. Sean, standing as my voice of reason would continually tell me that leaving a brand new infant to go back to class would possibly be too much to bear. Yet I would push for it. I didn't care about all those details, I just wanted another baby.

Sean had agreed that we would start trying when my graduation date was before my potential due date.

True to his word, that's what happened.

I had dreamed of the time when I would be carrying my second child.

I thought about how excited Kayla would be.

My mind would play the scene of Sean, Kayla and I at the ultrasound finding out the gender.

But for some reason, my daydream never really had me carrying two babies.

Suddenly I have a solemn respect for women who have been pregnant with multiples.

It is no easy task to roll over in bed.

Getting up from the couch usually requires assistance.

The consequence of dropping something on the floor is almost unbearable.

I feel about full term.

I still have 11 weeks to go.

My biggest fear is preterm labor.

Yet I still remain in a state of thankfulness for this blessing. I often wonder why Heavenly Father has entrusted me with this assignment. He must have confidence in me as a mother (for some reason?) He must see the great father in Sean. Whatever the reason, it is humbling.

I cannot wait to welcome these children in to our family. Two little boys full of energy, spunk and love.

Until then, I must continue to grow and grow and grow for 11 more weeks!

A Classic

2011-05-20T19:40:00.000-06:00

Kayla: Mom, I really want to be a Care Bear when I grow up.
Me: Awesome Kayla.
Kayla: Mom, when do we grow up?
Me: I still haven't figured that one out yet.
Kayla: Mom just look it up online really fast.

2011-05-17T17:54:00.000-06:00

My life has been a little hectic lately.
For nursing school I have been precepting which includes working 12+ hours per shift. My back aches, my pelvis hurts, my ankles are disappearing and my mind feels completely fried.
However, I am surviving.
Kayla still knows I am her mother.
My husband continues to be more than supportive of my success in school.
The twins are still kicking in there and just as healthy as ever.
I am full of gratitude for all the blessings in my life. There are so many. More than I can name or count.
With all the craziness that comes with finishing nursing school, my life is good.

Kayla Soccer and Kidisms.

2011-05-07T16:59:00.000-06:00

Kayla just started playing soccer.
She has been asking to play for about 2 years now and we finally signed her up.
Her first game she scored a goal and the second game she scored 2 goals. Best part about the whole thing is she loooves it. Not only loves it but REALLY loves it. Both games she cried when they were done because she wanted to keep playing. I love to watch her get into something like this. Her little heart is so determined.

Here are some Kayla Kidisms as of Late:

Kayla: Mom, your belly looks like a ball! Like a big beach ball.
Me: Laughed.

Kayla: Mom, dad is amaaazing.
Me: Why do you say that honey?
Kayla: Because dad can catch and squish any bug!
Me: (holding back the giggles) You're right Kayla, dad is amazing huh?

(I had to get this soccer blog in before Mother's Day so I have room to blog mom!)

A Day for Dad

2011-05-06T14:20:00.000-06:00

Happy birthday Dad!
There are a number of reasons why I love my Dad so much.
One of them may be that he is the most amazing person in the world.
He has always led by example. Never judges. I have only heard him speak positive about others.
He has always, and still makes me feel individually important and special as his daughter.
He is always happy.
He tells cheesy jokes. And continues to do so even when all he gets from his kids is "Daaaad.. funny" and an eye roll.
He integrated me in to the outdoors, taught me how to love being active, and instilled in me a zest for life I will have with me forever.
I wish I lived closer to him but I am still so thankful I was given such an amazing top of the line Dad.
Couldn't imagine my life any other way. Couldn't imagine my childhood any more rich and happy.
Thanks Dad, love you.

A Need for Cheese

2011-04-27T23:13:00.000-06:00

Okay, okay, you can say it.... the photos are a little cheesy with my little pumpkin's fake smiles but it was Easter, in all of it's cheesiness.... it was Easter!

Today I was holding Kayla on what I have left of a lap. She was hugging me and telling me she will love me forever and ever. I hugged her back and promised the same thing. I really meant it. I felt in the very core of my soul that she was sent to me from heaven, her smiles and hugs are a godsend, and that I will have her with me forever. And ever.

Because Finals are Done

2011-04-22T20:37:00.000-06:00

Since finals are over for me (not for Sean but today, I made him pretend he is done with finals) we decided to spend some quality time together.
First, we went to the castle park. Had a great time.
Then, we went miniature golfing. Kayla doesn't really grasp how it's done, but she had a great time.
Finally, we went to Maverick, got drinks and candy bars and headed home.
Simple but fun.

Here are some of my favorite moments of the day:
Me: ew, the golf ball landed in stagnant water, gross.
Kayla (a while later): Ew, look mom, pregnant water.
Me: Laughed
Kayla: Just like you said mom, pregnant water.

Kayla: Mom and Dad I thought of perfect names for the babies.
Me: Oh really, what are they?
Kayla: Maylee and Kaylee.
Me: Oh those are nice, for boy names?
Kayla: Yeah mom, they're perfect.
Me: (just really glad she doesn't have the final say, the poor little guys)

The end of one thing. The beginning of another.

2011-04-19T17:50:00.000-06:00

I just took finals for the semester (I still have one left, not a nursing class though)
As I take a good look at the semester, it seems like a blur.
Did it really just get over?
As I prepare to begin my very last semester, there is a lot I am thinking about.
I wonder if I will walk or waddle in to class.
I wonder if I will go in to labor before graduation.
I worry about being ready to take State Boards.
There is so much I think about, so much I worry about, and so much I look forward to.
So here's to the end of one good thing and the beginning of another.

Update on twins: had another ultrasound last week and everything looks good. No signs of twin to twin transfusion or any other complications. They are very active and my belly grows every day. I am 22 weeks along!

The Day and Sweet Baby Finn

2011-04-14T20:53:00.000-06:00

(Here is a photo of my sweet baby nephew, Finn I took when he was just a few days old. I am not gonna lie, looking at this photo makes me soooo excited for my babies to get here, as soon as they are done cooking of course!)

Today was just really fantastic. Not for any particular reason.
I went to school, didn't pass my test, didn't throw up once, and talked to some really great classmates.
When I got home, I helped Sean out with a little studying (meaning, I pretend like I am listening while he states the concepts on his test, sorry honey) Then sent him off to class with a kiss.
Kayla then snuggled in my the bed with me and watched "Up" while I dozed and then cried over the movie.
After that, Kayla and I made a mean chicken and veggie stir fry with rice.
We played with Playdough.
We went outside so Kayla could ride her bike for the first time this season.
We did prenatal yoga together.
And now, I am blogging.
Sean is upstairs with Kayla.
It's almost 9 and she isn't in bed.
I better take care of that.

Until next time....

2011-04-05T12:16:00.002-06:00

Idea #!:
I was really really tired the other afternoon.
I gave Kayla a few pages of stickers.
I told her to pretend I was the sticker monster and I am sleeping.
She has to try and put ALL the stickers on me without waking up the "sticker monster."
I slept for 1/2 hour!! (there were a lot of stickers)
Then when I woke up, I made part #2.
Take all the stickers OFF without waking up the sticker monster.
Another 15 minutes of snooze... mmm.
Nice.

Idea #2:
Today I needed Kayla to pick up all the scraps of paper off the floor that she had made from her new obsession with cutting paper.
I started to pretend that the garbage bag was alive and was called the "garbage eater"
She loved it.
I would make the garbage eater voice say "I am soooo hungry, feeed me!"
Before I knew it she had picked up every last scrap of paper and was searching other rooms for more things to feed the garbage eater.
I was really happy, bending over to pick things up becomes more difficult every day!!

Art Therapy

2011-04-02T23:08:00.004-06:00

In pharmacology, we had a lecture on a treatment called "Art Therapy."
This type of therapy is often used for patients with psychiatric issues. The patient is given the materials and instructed to draw what they feel. I have seen some of these pieces. They are often dark, depicting deep concepts of their inner most feelings and issues.
Today, I sat down to do Kayla's hair. A bag of rubber bands and a brush.
Above is pictured, the finished product.
Unbeknown to me, I was creating my own piece of art therapy.
Disturbingly enough, the hair has come extremely close to the picture of my current life:
-Wild
-Crazy
-Disorganized
-Colorful
-Messier than normal
-All over the place
-A little bit rad in it's own way
Yet the little face underneath the crazy hair is the reason why I continue to do what I do. That face is my motivation to carry on each day and give it all I have, even when it feels I have no more to give.

Mono-Di

2011-04-01T14:11:00.002-06:00

On Wednesday, I had a 20 week maternal fetal ultrasound.
Before I knew I was pregnant with twins the term "mono-di" meant nothing to me. After reading online, I learned that mono-di means one placenta, 2 amniotic sacs and makes up about 20% of twin pregnancies. Di-di means 2 placentas, 2 amniotic sacs which makes up the majority of twin pregnancies.
Up to this point, I have always been told that mine "look" like they could be either mono-di or they could be di-di with fused placentas.
After the Perinatologist looked at the babies on the ultrasound for at least an hour, he determined they are mono-di twins (still a possibility the placentas could be fused)
Here is what I know about mono-di twins:
-They are always identical
-They are slightly higher risk than di-di
-I get a maternal fetal ultrasound every two weeks (more seeing my babies!!)
So far everything looks perfect. Babies are growing as expected, hearts look great, brains look great, and fluids look great.
I am already so in love with every bit of both these little guys. I love to feel them moving. I can't wait to hold them, kiss them, feed them, and love them even more.
It thrills me to think of two little boys that are identical with their own personalities and fire.
Be good in there brothers and share!!

Playing

2011-03-24T21:12:00.003-06:00

I am not going to try and convince you that today was easy. It wasn't.
I woke up early to study for a test. I took a zofran because I felt aweful.
I drank a glass of water, then promptly threw the whole thing up.
Happened with Kayla's pregnancy and it still happens. The sickness never goes away for me.

Kayla wanted me to play with her today after I arrived home from school. My body said no way, my heart said otherwise. We played a card game, Kayla style.
Then we played with playdough for a long time.
Above is my divine artwork. A bunch of people hanging out in a swimming pool.
While playing with Kayla I realized something. She thinks that I am amazingly artistic with my sculptures. I know I'm not. But Kayla, she knows I am.
Why do I strive as a parent to be so outstanding when all it takes is spending time making stupid little play-dough sculptures with my 4 year old? I tend to beat myself up over not being the the stellar mother I want to be. Yet she forgives and loves me the same. She seems to completely forget about the numerous times in the past few months that I have fallen asleep rather than pay attention to her, about the times that I have lost patience, and all the other downfalls I possess. This evening she had a few meltdowns and had to spend a fair amount of time in her room alone. But how I love my little girl.
I love her from head to toe, from heart to fight, and from tears to laughter.
She came packaged with her own opinions and personality.
Today was a good day because I played. Full attention, no other distractions, I just played for a little while.

Finally Winding Down

2011-03-23T13:15:00.003-06:00

The semester is finally winding down. One more day of clinicals and a few more days of class!
This semester has been far from uneventful! I came back to school in January and told my classmates I was 7 weeks pregnant! Everyone was excited and school went on.
Kayla acted up for a while when she realized she had to give me up again to go back to school. She soon adjusted.
Sean has managed to knock out 5 classes that go directly to graduation. These classes included a LOT of papers!
In February, I went to see my grandmother who suffered a stroke.
When I got home and saw my midwife at 15 weeks, I found out I am having twins.
Life changed abruptly.
Suddenly I couldn't study, focus, or think about anything else.
Life adjusted back to a level of normalcy and I have managed to pass tests and classes.
A few weeks later, my grandmother passed away. But not before she cried over the news of her twin great grand babies. I will miss Grandma Dotti.
I am starting my precepting early (kind of like an internship) so I won't keel over and die lugging around 2 babies at 35 weeks and trying to pull 12 hours shifts. This way I will be done with precepting by 25 or 26 weeks! Thanks to the amazing administration that runs my nursing program.
Though I may feel I spent a large portion of this semester in a daze, I have been blessed. Many tests I passed, it was by divine intervention. I spent many mornings before class throwing up but miraculously made it through the day.
Someone has strengthened me.
God is good. Really, really good.

Bump

2011-03-13T13:20:00.002-06:00

Big is a relative term. And relative to what I will be looking like in the next 4.5 months, I am still very VERY small. However, I thought I would share my 17 week belly photo with you. Even though still sick some days and exhausted every day, I am thoroughly enjoying the pregnancy at this point. Never knew how happy I would be to see a baby bump so early in the game. Thanks to the twinners!!

"I Don't Want to Get Married Mom!"

2011-03-12T19:45:00.003-07:00

As you may notice, many of my posts have been pictureless. This is because in the event there is a picture perfect moment, my mind tells me to go get the camera and my body says NO WAY! I know I am only 4 months a long but my bones, belly, and level of exhaustion would indicate otherwise.

Today Kayla told me that she does not want to get married.
Why Kayla?
Mom, I just DON'T want to get married.
Kayla, Kayla, you don't have to get married, relax, but why do you say you don't want to?
Because I do NOT want to have 2 babies in my tummy. So I am NOT getting married mom!
My heart begins to smile.
Well Kayla, that's totally fine with me. You don't have to get married.... as long as you stay mine forever...

Grandma

2011-03-08T23:37:00.004-07:00

I looked forward to Monday nights growing up. Grandma would come over for family night, dinner and she brought the ice cream. We would all wait impatiently looking out the window until we saw her blue Volvo and run outside to greet her.

Grandma was the champion tooth puller. If you had a loose tooth, she could get it out. Her hands were magic because it didn't even hurt!

She loved the piano. Her hands would roll across the keys and you could hardly see her fingers spread.

Grandma had rings on her fingers that had meaning. I would ask her about them each time I started to stare at them again. Her plump fingers kept them in place well.

She had stories. So many that you would never be bored. About our Cherokee ancestors, or near death experiences she had been through, or stories about us when we were small.

She had a charm chain that held her vest together. The charms were the ten commandments. I remember playing with them when I was little and she wore that thing until the day she had her stroke.

Grama Dotty... there are so many words for you. Feisty, funny, red lipstick, bling glasses, smiles, Christmas tinsel, Christmas mugs, Thanksgiving popcorn seeds, generous, fun, and loving.

I will miss you Grandma. I cannot imagine what it will be like to visit home without visiting you. But how sweet it was to see you a few weeks before you left. To hug you and sing to you one last time. Something I will treasure in my heart forever.
Love you Grama.

Good

2011-03-04T23:46:00.002-07:00

Today was good.
In a simple sort of way.
It seemed like Spring. We took a walk, just the three of us.
Sean, Kayla, mommy, and the dog.
Kayla ran about a mile.
Her jacket flapped furiously back and forth and her skinny little legs covered by her slim fit jeans were so intense and determined to run as fast as the dog.
We threw rocks.
We got mud on our shoes.
We had good conversation.
The thought came to my mind: These are the moments that really count.
We continue to pray that we can be financially stable before these babies come but really my heart should be pouring out with gratitude in prayer. Every second I should ponder on the love that is in my life. These moments together will be here and gone so quickly. Soon Kayla will grow up and I will long for the days when Sean and I walk side by side and watch our little girl race the dog down an empty dirt road.
If only I could freeze time.

TWINS!

2011-02-24T21:45:00.004-07:00

(above) Both baby heads.

(above) baby #1

(above) baby #2

I am going to tell you the story about one of the most pivotal moments of my entire life.

I came in to the midwives office for my 14 week appointment.
I waited anxiously in the waiting room, excited about the ultrasound we would have today. I was excited to see the little bean in my belly.
I was called back and waited in the checkup room. When the midwife came in, she measured me right away and said "wow, you have grown a lot since I saw you last." I didn't think much of it.
She brought out the Doppler and began to listen to the heartbeat. As she listened, the Doppler moved and I thought I heard the heart rhythm change slightly. I didn't think much of that either but I believe we were hearing one heartbeat and then the second heartbeat.
As she was wrapping up, I asked if I was still going to have the ultrasound she had told me about last appointment. She said she had to hurry back to a delivery but the other midwife could do the ultrasound. In came Nancy. She brought Sean, Kayla and I back to the ultrasound room. I sat on the table, excited to see the baby.
When she put the machine on my tummy, we instantly saw the profile.
Suddenly Sean said "are there two heads?"
I laughed at his "humor" and so did the midwife.
I gazed at the tiny little profile as she showed us the heartbeat and moved to the spine.
Suddenly, as she moved the scanner, the baby's body was flipped the other way.
I thought "uh, that's weird."
She then moved the scanner back the other direction and the baby was flipped back in the same position.
Then the words came. So calmly and factual: "You know what, there are two babies in there." Those words spoken by that midwife will forever be embedded in my heart and mind in a place that is so permanent, only a few special things can be placed there.
All I could do was say "Oh my gosh, oh my GOSH" Tears streamed down my face as I laughed at the same time.
I stared at the screen.
She took a picture of the two little heads on opposite sides of the uterine home.
My heart was so full of joy and shock.
I looked over at Sean who looked just as shocked.
I told Kayla we were having two babies and she responded "mom, I know, I was listening."
After the appointment, we were still taking it all in.
We called my mom and Sean's mom first. Both calls were met with disbelief and overjoy.
I called my entire family, I have told a hundred strangers, I have wanted to tell the whole world.
I am in love. All I can think about are the two of them kicking, growing, grimacing, and happy.
My life will be sleepless, outingless, datenightless, and in sane. However, my heart is overflowing with joy. I cannot begin to describe how I feel inside. I cry every time I really think about that ultrasound, I tear up every time I think about meeting these two babies.
I am praying hard for a healthy pregnancy and two healthy babies.
Thank you Heavenly Father for this precious gift.

Gifts for Breakfast

2011-02-08T20:37:00.003-07:00

Kayla and her daddy have been very good to mommy.
Kayla wakes up in the morning and comes in with a request for daddy to turn on the TV.
Request granted.
She then watches TV and plays quietly for at least an hour.
When she gets hungry for breakfast, she either goes upstairs to investigate if her Oma or Opa are up and eating or she comes in and requests daddy come and have breakfast with her.
Lately, Kayla has an obsession with gift giving.
She loves to put things in gift bags and tissue and give them to anyone who will receive.
She smiles gleefully at surprise and delight painted on the faces of recipients.
This morning, after her normal routine of TV time and letting mommy sleep, she came in the room with some gifts for me. Among them were, ponies, hair ties, books, and other various objects.
I opened them with big eyes and exclaimed "Kayla, this is what I have always wanted!"
Kayla would give me a kiss on the forehead after I looked at every gift.
This girl. She came to me straight from Heaven.

Today, I received an email from some development website and it stated 7 different ways your child shows they love you.
One of the ways listed was gift giving.
I hope she knows how much I love her too.

The lime: bitter yet sweet.

2011-02-06T16:23:00.003-07:00

Today, our baby is the size of a lime.

I find it particularly difficult to blog these days.
It means I have to apply my creative mind.
Lately, I have wondered if I have any brain at all.
I think about journaling the funny things Kayla will say.
I ponder on the beauties of motherhood, the insanity of school, the blessing of pregnancy, and the quest to do what is right.
All worth writing about.
Yet I struggle to do much but the minimum. You can often find my laying on the floor while Kayla plays hairdresser on me, me secretly dozing.
Often I want to do nothing but lay in bed.
Cooking is a task I haven't been able to tackle in a few months.
It's common for me to suddenly start throwing up while I am doing a simple daily task.
When we decided it was finally time to add more to our family, I knew pregnancy would not be a walk in the park for me by any means.
Yet, my heart is full of joy.
There is a little person growing inside me. This time, I really know the magnitude of love I will feel when I look in to those precious little eyes for the first time.
This little muffin I'm cooking is such a blessing. I love that little one even now. I daydream about it everyday.
3 months down and six to go.
Exhausted, cranky, and sick but I couldn't be happier.

2011-02-02T23:55:00.002-07:00

All I really want is a sliced cucumber dipped in honey mustard dressing.
I have one upstairs.
But I am too tired to actually act upon my desire.
What a sad life I live...I better go to bed.

30

2011-01-30T20:55:00.003-07:00

Okay, so the photo has nothing to do with this post but it's a photo I took of my little niece. It's just so squeezable!

Yesterday, something happened.
I turned 30.
As my 20s rapidly began to approach the end, I thought 30 would be a difficult birthday for me.
I thought I would feel my youth slipping away. Thinking I might long for my 20s again.
But, the birthday came. I spent some quality time with my sisters, then some quality time with my in laws. Had a lot of fun.
Most significant was the sudden realization that I didn't long for my 20s again.
I realized there is nothing in my 20s that I regret.
Happy I worked in EMS, served a mission, married Sean, had Kayla, I'm finishing nursing school, and have a bun in the oven.
Not to say I haven't had struggles, but happy nonetheless.
Really, I couldn't ask for better experiences in my 20s.
I learned at a young age to live in the moment. Not continually wishing for the future, regretting the past, or despising the present.
If I continue on this way, each birthday will be a celebration.

Truth or a Lie

2011-01-22T18:01:00.004-07:00

Lately, I have been teaching Kayla about the difference between a truth and a lie.
We have talked about the fact that you are always in more trouble for a lie than if you were to just fess up with the truth.
Yesterday evening, after I had picked up the living room, I spotted the Jenga blocks dumped on to the floor.
'Kayla!' I said, 'Who dumped these blocks on the floor.'
'um, it was NOT me mom.'
'Really, who was it?'
'It was the Christmas tree. I waved my wand like this at the tree and it walked over and dumped out the blocks.'
'Kayla, are you telling me the truth or are you telling me a lie?' (trying to hold in my giggles)
Sheepishly: 'a lie.'
She then spilt the truth, which was far less interesting than the naughty Christmas tree.
She picked them up and was not in trouble because she told the truth in the end.
Classic.

2011-01-16T23:49:00.002-07:00

Sean.
Most of the time I love him to bits.
Once in a while, I am tempted to sell him to gypsies.
He is the person that has made my schooling possible.
This guy stays home with Kayla while I am at school and then he goes to class at night.
He loves me.
He loves Kayla.
I had no idea what I was getting in to when I married him over 5 years ago.
I could never have fathomed the great man he would really turn out to be.
I love him. A lot.

2011-01-12T13:48:00.002-07:00

When I lived in Provo and went to school full time I met a really great person. Michelle. We had a lot of fun in that chapter of life. When I started dating Sean, there was a guy that was chasing her. She resisted but eventually they started dating. He was tall with dark hair just like Sean. Michelle and I would talk about how our dating was going but eventually I moved to a different apartment complex. I called her to tell her the long overdue news that Sean and I were going to get married. I announced to her the date: August 12th! She started laughing. I was confused. She told me that this was the same exact date that her and Ben had planned to get married. It was unfortunate that neither of us could attend the other's wedding but I am so happy to share our anniversary with such a fantastic couple. She came back from Chicago to visit for the holidays and I was so fortunate to see her and her sweet family. I found out she is expecting her second baby too. Only a few months before I am. I love this girl so much.
Good, genuine, loving friends are one of those things that make my world a better place.

Big Sister

2011-01-02T20:51:00.004-07:00

Kayla has been telling the whole world around her, for the past year and a half that her mommy is going to have a baby.
Many times I have had to explain Kayla's imaginary friend, the embryo.
Almost every night Kayla would ask if there was a baby in my tummy just like her aunt's.
I would have to look at those sweet blue eyes and tell her "not yet honey, but don't worry, you'll be a big sister one day."
Kayla would pray to be a big sister, pretend to be a big sister, and want to save all her clothes she grew out of for her "little sister."

Finally it happened.
On December 13th we snuggled Kayla together and told her we had a secret.
There is a REAL baby in mommy's tummy.
Kayla's reaction was fantastic.
Her whole face lit up.
She put both hands over her mouth as if to keep her whole soul from exploding.
All she could do was squeal.
Her whole face was smiling. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.
I always wanted my children to be close in age. However, I think this type of reaction could only come from a girl who is old enough to grasp at least a fraction of what is about to happen.

Baby number 2..... see you in August.... we can hardly wait.

Dance Recital Cuteness

2010-12-28T21:01:00.002-07:00

Kayla had her dance recital last Monday. With the holidays, I almost missed posting about it! She got out there and proudly went through many of the steps she had practiced so faithfully (thanks to a good friend that helped!) Some of the steps were in time with the dance, many were not. Nonetheless, she was a hit in my book.
I worry about the scene of dance sometimes. I wonder if she will ever feel like she has to compete or that she isn't as good a dancer as someone else. But casting my fears aside, I will continue to be her biggest fan. In my eyes, she is not better or worse than anyone else. She is not more or less advanced than anyone else. In my world, there is no one else. Just her. Just that sweet little girl that I will be cheering on for eternity.

Click here for the video, she is on the far left of the screen.

My Christmas Card

2010-12-23T21:26:00.003-07:00

(I do realize I have posted this photo before, sorry)

Christmas is in the air.... sort of.
Despite the fact there is not a flake of snow to be found, that season is well upon us.
What a fantastic year this has been. Full of school, change, and work, work, work.
I recently finished my first year of nursing school and I am taking LPN boards in a few days. In July I will be finishing the RN year and I am thrilled! I started cycling this year and I love it. Something I hope will stay with me forever.
Sean is a hard working student. He had a successful school year with good grades and a whole lot of support and teamwork with his student nurse wife (he deserves a metal.... seriously). He looks forward to finishing school soon and there is finally an end in sight!
Kayla grew 3 and 1/2 inches this year. She is so smart and yearns to absorb information and grow. She is a girl after my own heart with her love of learning. She loves art, singing, playing and deep, philosophical conversations (as deep as you can get with a 4 year old:) She is a ball of energy. We love her so much and have had a great year getting to know her better.
Even though this year has been busy, we have not forgotten those who mean so much to us. Our friends and family. Seems like life gets so crazy for us that we have no time to catch up but we want you all to know how much we love you and think of you often.
Merry Christmas

Love, Our little family

A Different Kind of Playdate

2010-12-16T21:03:00.004-07:00

This year I wanted to have a Christmas party for kids.
Not just any Christmas party, but one that I could incorporate service in to.
After getting ideas, I decided to go with finding a family in need to provide Christmas presents for.
Each party guest was given an invitation with an assignment to bring a gift for one specific child that belonged to the family in need.
At the playdate party we played a game, read Christmas stories, and wrapped all the gifts that were brought by the guests. We talked about why we were doing this and where the gifts would go.
The kids understood and were willing to give.
Just thinking about all the giving hearts that went in to this project makes me so happy.
I have decided to make this a tradition. A new family every year.
I want to feel this way all of the time. Service is therapeutic.
By helping kids grasp and embrace the giving spirit of Christmas, we create a lifetime of caring.
My heart will forever be grateful for this experience.

If anyone would like to be invited to this event in future years and I missed getting you this year, please let me know!

Why I love it...

2010-12-11T22:40:00.002-07:00

Photo jobs are hard work. The hardest work comes after I have taken the photos. Deciding which shots to edit, editing, going back and re-editing the ones that I notice after I'm done. Hours of work. Literally.

As I sat this evening, working on some photos, I suddenly realized why I love it so much.
What an splendid opportunity it is to be a part of these tiny, seemingly insignificant moments. If not the photographer, I would not have been a part of it.
What a privilege.

Click here to see some of my latest photos.

Sweet Freedom

2010-12-10T20:25:00.005-07:00

Walking out of the last final exam on Wednesday was liberating. It felt like there was an anvil lifted from my chest.

Kayla, I am now yours.
No textbooks, no studying, no leaving for school everyday. Just yours...and daddy's.

Until school starts again:
Every tear you cry, I will wipe away.
The endless questions you have, I will listen and attempt to answer.
We will hold hands every day.
Christmas shopping for daddy will be our special date!
My inner soul feels complete when I can be with you.
I am soaking up this time I have with you, Kayla.
The past two days of school-free life will only last a few short weeks
but kiddo, we are gonna live it up!

Besties forever,
Mommy

2010-12-02T18:29:00.002-07:00

I have a problem.
When I have so much to study that I feel buried,
I don't know where to start.
I resist.
I fight it.
I gravitate toward other things.
I look at the binders and books on the shelf, calling me.
I continue to resist.
My mind can't stop thinking about the volume of information I am responsible for.
Finals.
I hate them.
A lot.

A Nightmare?

2010-11-28T20:49:00.003-07:00

Kayla came in to our bed many times last night.
This morning, she told me she had a nightmare.
When asked what her dream was about, she told me:
"I had a dream about you mom. Your face was scary and you had spiders in your mouth"
Ugh, disgusting, I thought.
I assured her it was only a dream and so on...
Later that morning she picked up her little stuffed toy Grover and said
"Mom, this is what you looked like in my dream, so scary"
Okay well, my interpretation of her dream was apparently a lot more morbid than the dream itself.
I mean, grover? Loveable furry old grover?
I can deal with that.

Still Good

2010-11-22T12:10:00.002-07:00

Kayla turned 4! I can't believe this little bug is growing so fast. Since she turned 3, she has grown 3 and a half inches. She is the light of our lives.

I had a thought yesterday:
I realized how thankful I am for all the good things that are left in this world.
Good people.
Good teachers.
Good parents that love their children.
People who give service to others.
People who genuinely love others, without judgment.
People who really love our Mother earth.

With all that is wrong with our whirlwind of international heartache, there is still so much good in this world.
So much good.

Mom, mom....

2010-11-18T21:00:00.003-07:00

The setting: Mommy sitting quietly studying her head off, feeling anxious.
Kayla (running up to mommy abruptly): Mom, mom... look. LOOK!!
Kayla points at the small gap between her two front teeth.
Mom: that's cool Kayla, mommy is studying, go play okay honey
Kayla (eyes growing larger): Mooomm LOOOK.
Mom: What is it Kayla, what am I looking at?
Kayla: I losed a tooth mom, right there, I losed it. (pointing at the gap)
Mom is speechless once again.
Kayla is still convinced that the gap between her two front teeth is the result of a lost tooth.
She also thinks she is going to be a puppy when she grows up.
Mommy is going to let that sweet girl keep dreaming..... life is too short to douse that flame....

Youth

2010-11-08T20:31:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was monumental.... I pulled the first official gray hair off of my head. I know, you may think this is not a big deal, but to me... it's important enough to blog about.
Made me think: am I staying young? The saying goes "You don't stop playing because you get old, you get old because you stop playing"

I have a lot to study for the pharmacology test in the morning.
Yet, after Kayla's dance class tonight, we stopped at Kohl's and looked at the pretty Christmas dresses. I even bought one because it was on sale and Kayla looked so beautiful in it.
Spontaneity makes me stay young.
Stress makes me feel old and worn out.
Laughter makes me feel young.
Studying leads to stress which makes me feel old and worn out.
I have to remember to keep living. Keep laughing. Keep staying young.
Even through nursing school!

2010-11-02T22:22:00.007-06:00

Mommy when you come home late
I want to talk, my day was great
Seems your mind’s too full to play
Maybe on another day

I’m getting big, I’m not so small
But not too big for you at all
My arms around your neck I’ll throw
Because I need you near me so

I’ll grow up soon and I’ll be gone
The mem’ries of my childhood; fond
Will you be glad you sat with me?
Or regret you didn’t work past 3?

Some moms must work and that’s okay
Life just turns out that certain way
But don’t forget to show your love
To me, your child, come push or shove

No matter what the hours are
You really aren’t that very far
Listen, love, that’s your main task
Be there for me, that’s all I ask

The Halloween Enthusiast

2010-11-01T13:34:00.002-06:00

(Kayla and her cousins.)

Since she was three different princesses this year, I couldn't keep up with taking photos of each costume.
Even though I am not a huge fan of Halloween, we experienced a few firsts this year.
We had our first annual Halloween party with my siblings, their spouses and all the little cousins. We made a "Haunted Hallway", went trick or treating in all the rooms of my sister's house, ate chili, laughed and we all danced to the Monster Mash... adults included! Dressing up was a requirement.
We carved our first pumpkin this year too. Kayla drew the face and I carved it out.
Roasted pumpkin seeds for the first time.
Because Sean is a Trick or Treating enthusiast, there was no way to get out of it. Rain or shine. Upon my suggestion to "let" Sean take Kayla by himself while I stayed home to hand out candy, a look of deep and inner hurt came over his face. Apparently he feels that Trick or Treating is a really special family event..... oh brother.
Halloween enthusiast or not, it was a great week. There is something so magical about watching her grow up. Experiencing all the little moments together as a family. Can't wait until Christmas, that is when I become the enthusiast!

My Own.

2010-10-26T17:34:00.002-06:00

My sunshine. Amazing that... no matter how my day may be going... she can always make me smile.

2010-10-22T09:59:00.002-06:00

I spend a lot of my study time in the rocking chair in Kayla's room while she plays with her dollhouse. This way, I am physically present.
I wonder what that little world inside her dollhouse is about.
Do people speak kindly to each other?
Is everyone happy?
Do the people in that house have self confidence and know who they are inside?
Are they judgmental or accepting?
In that house, is everyone pretty open minded?
Do they communicate well together?
Does that house contain love and laughter within?

Makes me really think hard about what we teach her.
I hope her world is happy. I hope she knows how beautiful and loved she is.
I hope her world is always filled with love, happiness and laughter.

Dreaming.....

2010-10-18T21:06:00.003-06:00

Ten years ago I would sometimes paint a picture in my mind about what life would be like today.
I envisioned a little house, a lot of kids, and a big yard.
I thought finding a career for myself and my future partner would be easy and fun.
I imagined things flowing pretty gently through my quiet little life of raising my 5 or so children.

Then life really happened.
I am in the middle of nursing school.
My husband is also in school.
We live in my husband's parent's basement (which is a huge blessing, don't get me wrong).
Our daughter is about to turn four without the prospect of a sibling in the very near future.

And that house... well that house I imagined.... I am still imagining it.

One day... one day I will have that little house.

And one day.... I will bring a sibling home for Kayla...

Jade the Beauty

2010-10-12T21:12:00.004-06:00

My sister had a baby. Her name is Jade. She is beautiful.
I went to see her again yesterday.
When walking in to the house, there was peace.
Parents fascinated by their little one.
Daddy holding her with such delicate care.
Mommy so tired, yet, she glows.
She looks at her baby and still can't believe she is her's.
The way she describes her feelings for her new one are tender and difficult for her to explain.
But I know.
I know what you are feeling.
No need to try and put it in to words.
The overwhelming love you have for a child you just met.
Yes, you can watch your baby for hours while she sleeps...
Just wondering how she can be so small and so beautiful.
Keep her close. Protect her.
Be her mommy and her friend.
She is stepping in to a harsh world.
She is so lucky to have you.

2010-10-10T23:08:00.004-06:00

I couldn't take it any more. Today I cut Kayla's hair. I didn't know when the next time I could make it down to my super skilled sister in law that cuts hair in Orem and I can't afford to get her a haircut at a salon. I know. It's sad.
Sean is really against me cutting Kayla's hair because... well.... I am not a beautician THAT'S for sure.
So I tucked Sean in for a nice Sunday nap and acted like I was just going to be out here playing with Kayla.
Then I cut her hair in to a little a-line. It's actually pretty cute. Sean expressed his astonishment that I would do that but he did admit it looked cute.
Her hair was starting to look like the literal definition of the word "mop."
I keep creating every excuse not to study. I think it's a disease. Probably called Studyopathy. Maybe Polyexcuseorreah. Either way. I don't want to do it. I really don't. But I should.
So that's all from me tonight.

Family Reunion

2010-10-05T21:48:00.007-06:00

First ever Ric Medley Family Reunion. Fabulous, absolutely fabulous. I love every one of these people. I love the time we spent together. I love the laughter we share. I love the memories we made this weekend. Missed my oldest sister, Rachel, so much. I loved every second. Didn't know that 35+ people hanging out in a 1200 square foot house could be so awesome.
My Grandparents have always had a reunion and I have grown up going to it. They set the standard for family togetherness. I love those two. So lucky they were in town too and we got to see them and our other cousins too. Amazing.